I found this article on Bored Panda, with examples of humourous and bad English, while browsing Flipboard.

Some of the examples are sad, some horrific and some just incomprehensible.

One of my favourites is: "He found me crying, he crew too, we both crode."

I found this on Facebook: "The 35 Most Cringeworthy and Embarrassing Things Americans Actually Said on the Internet".

It is well worth reading; it seems that some people's ignorance knows no bounds.

Here are a few of my favourites:

Here, on Woman's Day, are 100 funny quotes about life.

A few of my favourites are:

• W.C. Fields - "I always cook with wine. Sometimes I even add it to the food."
• Joan Rivers - "People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made."
• Mae West - "You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough."
• Oscar Wilde - "I think God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability."
• ​​Albert Einstein - "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity. And I'm not sure about the universe."
• Mark Twain - "Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow just as well."
• Cindy Crawford - "Even I don't wake up looking like Cindy Crawford."
• Albert Einstein - "Women marry men hoping they will change. Men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed."
• Ralphie May - "As a man in a relationship, you have a simple choice. You can either be right, or you can be happy."
• Isaac Asimov - "People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.”
• Dorothy Zbornak, The Golden Girls - "It is not easy being a mother. If it were easy, fathers would do it."
• Charles Lamb - "I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early."

This, on Reddit, is a fantastic collection of quotes of ignorant people; highly amusing.

There is a similar list here, on "Bored Panda".

My favourite is in both lists: "NATE OF AMERICANS, NEED, TO. MOVE. BACK. TO. INDIA". I didn't realise that it was possible to express so much ignorance in so few words.

Here is a selection of dark humour; well worth reading.

Here are some of my favourites:

• My mom died when we couldn’t remember her blood type. As she died, she kept telling us to “be positive,” but it’s hard without her.
• My husband left a note on the fridge that said, “This isn’t working.” I’m not sure what he’s talking about. I opened the fridge door and it’s working fine!
• I just read that someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
• The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him with my gun. The judge gave me 15 years. Problem solved.

These are a selection of actual complaints made by holiday makers to Thomas Cook Vacations.

1. "They should not allow topless sunbathing on the beach. It was very distracting for my husband who just wanted to relax."
2. "On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don't like spicy food."
3. "We went on holiday to Spain and had a problem with the taxi drivers as they were all Spanish."
4. "We booked an excursion to a water park but no-one told us we had to bring our own swimsuits and towels. We assumed it would be included in the price."
5. "The beach was too sandy. We had to clean everything when we returned to our room."
6. "We found the sand was not like the sand in the brochure. Your brochure shows the sand as white but it was more yellow."
7. "It's lazy of the local shopkeepers in Puerto Vallartato close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during 'siesta' time -- this should be banned."
8. "No-one told us there would be fish in the water. The children were scared."
9. "Although the brochure said that there was a fully equipped kitchen, there was no egg-slicer in the drawers."
10. "I think it should be explained in the brochure that the local convenience store does not sell proper biscuits like custard creams or ginger nuts."
11. "The roads were uneven and bumpy, so we could not read the local guide book during the bus ride to the resort. Because of this, we were unaware of many things that would have made our holiday more fun."
12. "It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England. It took the Americans only three hours to get home. This seems unfair."
13. "I compared the size of our one-bedroom suite to our friends' three-bedroom and ours was significantly smaller."
14. "The brochure stated: 'No hairdressers at the resort.' We're trainee hairdressers and we think they knew and made us wait longer for service."
15. "When we were in Spain, there were too many Spanish people there. The receptionist spoke Spanish, the food was Spanish. No one told us that there would be so many foreigners."
16. "We had to line up outside to catch the boat and there was no air-conditioning."
17. "It is your duty as a tour operator to advise us of noisy or unruly guests before we travel."
18. "I was bitten by a mosquito. The brochure did not mention mosquitoes."
19. "My fianceé and I requested twin-beds when we booked, but instead we were placed in a room with a king bed. We now hold you responsible and want to be re-reimbursed for the fact that I became pregnant. This would not have happened if you had put us in the room that we booked."

I recently saw this very funny list on www.someecards.com of the petty things people did while mad at their significant others.

Here are a couple of examples:

"My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can't wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow. There is nothing special about tomorrow, but there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over."

"When I'm mad at my husband, I ask him to help find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent."

An altogether too believable satirical article from The Beaverton.

A selection of funny signs with grammar and spelling mistakes, taken from this article on Bright Side.

Funny, except that Donald Trump doesn't have a dog.

This video needs no comment. Twitter will only allow it to be viewed in a page of its own.

Here some of the best items from this article on Bored Panda.

Everyone is stuck at home at the moment, and I assume they are all bored, so there has been a constant stream of humour about Covid-19. Here is a selection:

One of my friends posted this on Facebook.

1. "One of my pre-kindergarteners was squirming as we lined up for lunch. I asked him if he needed to go to the bathroom, and he said no, but kept squirming. So I asked if he was sure, and he said, 'I'm OK — it's just that my penis is so big.' He had an erection."
2. "I wore a Captain America shirt to school for 'Super Hero Day,' and one of my students said I looked like Captain America before the injections."
3. "One of my students was hugging me goodbye when they took a deep inhale, smiled up at me lovingly, and said, 'Your shirt smells like a grandma, but your armpits smell like Chuck E. Cheese.'"
4. "On Fridays, preschoolers and kindergarteners get their faces painted in the afternoon. Most kids want to be dinosaurs, fairies, or unicorns. One little girl asked to be God."
5. "One of my 7th graders asked me where babies come from, and another student replied, 'Well, when a Mommy and Daddy love each other very much...they get a bottle of scotch and a cheap motel room."
6. "Once when I worked as a lunch lady, one of my favorite kindergarteners was getting ready to run out for recess when I stopped her and said, 'Hannah, you should wash your face before you go out — there's spaghetti sauce all over it.' She took off anyway, screaming, 'IT'S MY WAR PAINT!'"
7. "Once a student asked me what I wanted to do when I grow up."
8. "I teach elementary band, and once we were preparing for a playing test when one student said, 'Man, I need to practice.' Without missing a beat, the kid next to him said, 'My mom says I need Jesus.'"
9. "I heard a student say, 'I thought Astronomy would be easy because I know all about it, but he hasn't even brought up horoscopes yet, and we're 6 weeks in!'"
10. "I asked my 4th graders to name some of the things that come from farms, and one of my students said, 'Hamburgers.' So I said, 'Sort of. If we take a hamburger apart, what do we get from a farm?' He replied, 'Hamburgers come from hamburger farms, Miss. I read about it online.'"
11. "I'm a math professor, and I had just finished a proof when I asked my students, 'Does everyone understand my choices?' One of my favorite students piped up and asked, 'Are we talking about your proof or how you've chosen to live your life?'"
12. "I was teaching a lesson on whales in my high school science class, and had just mentioned the sperm whale when a girl asked, 'Is that why the ocean is so salty?'"
13. "One of my students asked, 'Divide a fraction by a fraction? Is that even legal?'"
14. "One of my students asked me when the world stopped being in black and white and changed to color. He was 16."
15. "Last year, I had a very bright kid whose desk looked like multiple tornadoes had hit it. I tried to appeal to his scientific side by telling him about a study about how clutter affects the brain. His response? 'I'm from Europe — it's different for us.'"
16. "One of my students once asked me, 'If a synchronized swimmer starts drowning, do they all start drowning?' I lost it in class."
17. "I'm a band teacher, and one day I gave my students blank sheet music for them to start mapping out some basic compositions. The paper had no notes or symbols. One of my students received his sheet music, thinking it was a new song we'd learn, saw that it was blank, and asked, 'Wow — budget cuts must've hit us hard, huh?'"
18. "I was working in a small group with some first graders. As I was writing on the white board, one boy asked, and I quote, 'Miss B, did you get a hand job?!' I didn't know what he meant until he gestured to my nails. Holding back laughter, I said 'Yes, I did go and get my nails done. Thanks for asking.'"

Some extracts from this BuzzFeed article.

"I worked in a craft store. When we were going through the aisles cleaning up, we were supposed to grab any damaged items and put them in a specific bin. At the end of the night, the manager would quickly go through it. One night, she dug through and pulled out a wooden 'E.' 'Who put this in here?' She asked. I did, and I told her, 'It’s supposed to be an E, but it’s missing one of the prongs.' My manager then informed me that it was, in fact, a wooden 'F.'"

"I once tried to take a screenshot of a crack on my phone screen."

"I was at the zoo buying a fountain pop when the staff didn't give me a straw. I asked for one, but he said that they don't give out straws due to the free roaming animals on the zoo ground. I asked, 'How am I supposed to drink this?!' Without breaking eye contact, he took the drink back, removed the plastic lid, and handed it back to me."

"I once put a cup of water in the microwave, but the cup was too tall...so, I poured some water out and tried to put the cup back in thinking it would fit."

Only for geeks and nerds.

NSFW: Not safe for work!

Another excellent satirical piece from The Borowitz Report on The New Yorker.

First, let me be clear that this post is not meant to be anti-Indian. I work for an Indian company and have many Indian friends. Nevertheless, Indian companies often solve problems by throwing large quantities of people at those problems, because people are still relatively cheap in India

I received an email from a friend recently:

... regarding the claim by a company my wife works for (who has outsourced a huge part of their work to an offshore company) that their software is powered by AI. "Oh, you mean 'Actual Indians'."

Q: How did the Brexit chicken cross the road?
A: I never said there was a road. Or a chicken.

Q: With Britain leaving the EU how much space will be created?
A: Exactly 1GB

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a bar.
The Englishman wanted to go so they all had to leave.

“A Brexit deal could take ten years. That’s not fair. Most of the people who voted for it could be dead by then.” – Gary Lineker

I know it's not very "politically correct" to say it out loud but in the wasteland of ruined Britain I am going to hunt and eat old people.

"They [the British] annoyed us for wanting to enter [the Union] and now they annoy us for their wish to leave: The British are like the cats of Europe." - From France

During a lull between the speeches at the presidential swearing-in ceremony, Melania Trump leaned over to chat with the Secretary of State, Rex Tillerson.

"You know, I bought Donald a parrot for Christmas. That bird is so smart, Donald has already taught him to pronounce over two hundred words!"

"Wow, that's pretty impressive," said Tillerson, "but, you do realise that he just speaks the words, ...he doesn't really understand what they mean."

"Oh, I know," replied Melania, .........." neither does the parrot."

Another piece of satire from The New Yorker.

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'

The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you , I'm doing community service this week.'

The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.'

The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

REMEMBER, POLITICIANS AND DIAPERS SHOULD BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON

Someone gets a surprise.

Sometimes, school work is so hard!

Here is a link to another satirical piece on The New Yorker.

Here is a link to a satirical (i.e. funny and not true) piece on The New Yorker.

It's rather sad that it isn't true; it is thoroughly plausible.

To All Wonderful Mommies!

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.

"Why?" my daughter asked.

Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty and probably has germs" I replied.

At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mommy, how do you know all this stuff?"

"Uh," I was thinking quickly. "All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mommy Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mommy."

We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.

"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the daddy."

"Exactly" I replied back with a big smile on my face.

With Canada's legalisation of Pot (Marijuana), there is now a need to test whether drivers are under the influence. This is a sneak preview of the new test.

1. "Working at the JobCentre has to be a tense job - knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day."
2. "I had a job drilling holes for water - it was well boring" - Leo Kearse
3. "I took out a loan to pay for an exorcism. If I don't pay it back, I'm going to get repossessed" - Olaf Falafel
4. "In my last relationship, I hated being treated like a piece of meat.
   She was a vegan and refused to touch me" - Daniel Audritt
5. "What do colour blind people do when they are told to eat their greens?" - Flo and Joan
6. "I've got a new job collecting all the jumpers left in the park at the weekends, but it's not easy. They keep moving the goalposts" - Darren Walsh
7. "Trump said he'd build a wall but he hasn't even picked up a brick. He's just another middle-aged man failing on a DIY project" - Justin Moorhouse
8. "I lost a friend after we had an argument about the Tardis. I thought it was a little thing, but it seemed much bigger once we got into it" - Adele Cliff
9. "Why are they calling it Brexit and not The Great British Break Off?" - Alex Edelman
10. "I think love is like central heating. You turn it on before guests arrive and pretend it's like this all the time" - Laura Lexx

1. Robert Garnham: "Insomnia is awful. But on the plus side – only three more sleeps till Christmas."
2. Dan Antopolski: "Centaurs shop at Topman. And Bottomhorse."
3. Paul Savage: "Oregon leads America in both marital infidelity and clinical depression. What a sad state of affairs."
4. Caroline Mabey: "I’m very conflicted by eye tests. I want to get the answers right but I really want to win the glasses."
5. Athena Kugblenu: "Relationships are like mobile phones. You’ll look at your iPhone 5 and think, it used to be a lot quicker to turn this thing on."
6. Evelyn Mok: "My vagina is kind of like Wales. People only visit ironically."
7. Phil Wang: "In the bedroom, my girlfriend really likes it when I wear a suit, because she’s got this kinky fantasy where I have a proper job."
8. Gráinne Maguire: "The Edinburgh fringe is such a bubble. I asked a comedian what they thought about the North Korea nuclear missile crisis and they asked what venue it was on in."
9. John-Luke Roberts: "How did the Village People meet? They obviously led such different lives."
10. Olaf Falafel: "If you’re being chased by a pack of taxidermists, do not play dead."

A selection of humourous posters:

Everyone knows someone with Dyslexia:

Stamps to commemorate Brexit:

A selection of sign humour (it helps if you understand American English):

Something for Star Trek fans:

The pitfalls of using a smart assistant: